Listening, for the hope, for the new life

Do you ever feel like you are really sure about something, no matter how little confirmation you have? Like sometimes you are just so sure about something, and it ends up being true anyways.

That's how I feel about my infertility. I'm only 19 years old, don't plan on having kids anytime soon, but somehow I always knew that I'd struggle with this issue. I don't want to get too much into detail, but from what the doctors have told me, and my own research, I will have to go through fertility treatment in the future if I want to have children.

It was something that I thought would make me more interesting, when I became suspicious of my infertility. But now that I know I have that

problem, it's so real and painful. I broke down when it hit me that I can't have children. Because no matter what I decide to do with my life, it's always been a dream of mine to be a mother. As creepy as it sounds, I love the milky smell of newborns, their soft skin, and to think that they will grow up to be adults! The process of motherhood is something so beautiful.

When I began to feel in my core that this would be an issue in my life, I turned hard and strong and cold. When people talked about having kids in the future, I unconsciously would say that I'd be a terrible mother and that I did not want children. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time; it was almost as if though I really wanted to convince myself that I didn't want children. But I'd soon learn that my heart always wished for it.

My mom doesn't want to accept my "problem", and is always like "Pray so that God makes a miracle" or whatnot. But I have prayed about this problem, as I do about other things, but I've come to a point in my life where I've come to accept my problem myself. It was something so painful and delicate to handle, but I came to a conclusion: God has saved me from so many life-threatening situations before, and this is something that is not affecting my personal health. I'm healthy, I can breathe, move, see, smell, and all those wonderful things He provides for us that we take for granted.

Maybe I wasn't made to have children, but it doesn't mean I will never be a mother. Adoption is something that God has placed in my heart to do someday. All I pray for now is that I continue to be healthy and happy, and that he prepare the two precious children I will someday call my own, and to bless their biological families in the process. Because there is nothing impossible with God!