Down in the Dumps

Normally when I'm stressed out, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I can't find solace anywhere. The only reason why I don't completely give up is because my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. If it weren't for Him in my life, I don't even know what would have become of me.

Well lately, during what is normally my menstruation cycle, I got a brand new symptom: ANGER. For two days straight I'd get really angry at just about everything and everybody. It was such an ugly and uncomfortable feeling to carry. I just thank God that that's lessened and hasn't gotten me into any kind of trouble. Sometimes not having total control of your emotions is scary. I don't know how I've been able to control my ability to cry all of these years when all this time I was headed towards a path of emotional instability.

So today, after finishing up the worst of my mood swings, my body decides to do two things to my mind: 1) Start eating unhealthy food again and 2) Not only feel bad about having done so, but feel bad about myself all together. I think two things have triggered them, thinking about it now: 1) Struggling to pass my classes this year, and still waiting on two classes to see whether or not I passed and 2) Trying to go shopping and seeing that NOTHING fits, not even shoes. I just give up for now.

Tonight there is a going away party for one of my friends and everyone's getting dressed up but I am in no mood or disposition to do so. I have two cysts, one on my neck and one potentially on my right bottom lid (close to where the first one had been). I can't really wear makeup without irritating my eye and contaminating my makeup. I feel like a big fat and ugly troll right now, and it's such an icky feeling.

I feel lonely and tired and sad. I HATE IT. I really do. I know that God's given me the authority to pull myself together and take on the world with the best attitude. But I feel as if though I've sunken into a murky muddy pit and it's really difficult to make my way out. I feel like such a failure, which is like my biggest fear.

God, I know that you are with me and that there is nothing You allow that You know I can't handle, and I take on everything you put in me path. Having this thorn in my flesh, my PCOS, makes things a little difficult sometimes, but I accepted that too. I don't ask anything from You because You have been more than good to me and my family. I mainly ask for forgiveness for being weak and letting You down with this bitter attitude of mine. You know me more than I know myself, and I trust You to pull me through, even when it looks like this tunnel has no end to it. Forgive me, Lord, and help me through this. Amen.

PCOS Diaries: The Pill

So I follow lots of PCOS groups on both Facebook and Twitter and I get lots of cool and interesting information. Just a couple of minutes ago I came across this article from PCOS Diva on Twitter: http://rachelfriedmanwriter.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/bustpillpoppers-pdf.pdf

In the article it explained how when a woman is on birth control for PCOS, after she goes off it the symptoms come back (PCOS symptoms) and with a vengeance! Well I can personally say that I'm actually happy not to be on the pill anymore, but that's just my personal experience.

You see, I was given the pill when I was around sixteen years old and I HATED it! I hadn't been diagnosed with PCOS at the time but I was prescribed three months' worth of the pill for what seemed to be irregular periods. It worked, I suppose. My period started regulating itself to a couple of days at the end of each month. But there was something about it that I didn't like, like the fact that I gained so much weight while I was on it! And it was super annoying having to take a pill everyday.

Before that I'd been given steroids, then hormones (progesterone, which turns out can actually decrease my chances of having children even more), and finally the pill. I didn't like it, so I went for another dose of progesterone my sophomore year of college. Last year I was on metformin for a couple of months, after properly being diagnosed. Thankfully, most of my worst symptoms, such as ovarian and uterine pain, have gone away or lessened. I still have really bad weight fluctuations and I have days where I completely lose my appetite, but I'm still holding on!

I am not currently taking any medication right now nor do I plan on taking any more medication again. I am living with PCOS naturally, and am coping with it as best as I can. I've recently cut out soda from my diet, and I already cut out red meat (strictly fish and chicken diet, otherwise known as "pesce-pollotarian"), and slowly weaning myself off of bacon, haha!

I don't use products with parabens or other toxic materials in them, and I'm just learning to live and let go as the days come and go. I am happy in the Lord and excited for what my future holds in Him. Living life to the fullest!

OH! and P.S. I am not against birth control whatsoever! I just personally don't like taking it.

I love to laugh!

So today was an ordinary day...I did manage to get a good night's sleep, which is nice, but I've had the worst appetite lately. Haven't really felt hungry at all, so food was nothing special for me today.

I have been pretty bad with studying, but I managed to talk to my mom today and we laughed throughout our entire conversation! So nice :)

I really can't wait to go home now. Even though I'll prob only be around or a little while because it looks like the travel bug in me is pushing me towards New York this summer! Let's see what happens :D

I have to study tomorrow as well as work.  Gonna see if I can go out for a run in the morning and then go grocery shopping in between studying. Got lots to do, so little time to do it, but it's possible. Night!

PCOS Diaries: Food Log

So as part of my PCOS diaries I'd thought I'd share a little on how my eating schedule went today. Now I'm not trying to plan just exactly what I eat days in advance, but I think keeping a record of what and how I eat is a healthy tool in keeping with my lifestyle change.

So first for "brunch" (woke up at noon again!), I had one boiled egg with Spanish style toast, which were two small slices (both equal the size of a standard slice of bread) or whole wheat bread with olive oil and crushed tomato on top. I like to sprinkle dried ground garlic on top of the bread whilst its fresh out of the toaster.

For lunch I had all the leftover veggies sides I had sitting in my fridge (baked spinach, roasted zucchini and carrot, rice with peas and onions) as well as some leftover marinara chicken.  Dinner consisted of some nasty mac and cheese I made myself with whole wheat pasta (the sauce didn't turn out so great).

I of course snacked in between: a cup of milk with a couple of whole wheat cookies and chocolate, a glass of orange juice, another boiled egg, a small piece of strawberry yogurt cake my friends made and some chocolate milk. Seems like a lot but I honestly spread everything out as evenly as possible. It's now 10 pm here and I am FOR ONCE not hungry and have lots of energy!

I've been drinking TONS of water and will probably work out soon before bed in about two hours. Despite being a lazy Sunday for me I feel like I've treated myself well.  Now let's keep up the good work!

PCOS Diaries: Changing Things and Seeing Change

So I think I'm going to start writing more about how I deal with my PCOS. I'm at a point in my life where I've decided to make personal changes in order to combat it and just deal with it. So I guess I'm gonna start a sort of "PCOS diaries" type of thing! Hee hee!

I'm still in Spain and I've got about a month left. So I'm gonna take advantage of being gone from friends and family to really reinvent myself. I decided to cut out soda (probably my biggest weakness) from my diet for at least this month and see how that goes. This includes diet soda because in the end you mess up your body from all of the chemicals in it, you know? This all might change in El Salvador, where soda's not only cheaper than bottled water but cleaner than tap water. But that's another story, and I've got over a month and a half before that!

So today I woke up at noon, which is progress for me! I probably have the WORST sleeping schedule on the planet. I really need to work on at least getting 7 hours of sleep every night, and actually getting a sleeping routine down. Getting a good night's sleep will not only help me lose weight but also help me feel better and have lots of natural energy throughout the day. So that's definitely a work in progress right now :)

I've been sticking to eating lots of veggies lately. I cooked one cup of rice with onion and peas, which makes about four servings. I roasted zucchini, carrots and one large red potato which also makes about four servings, and made some baked spinach (three servings). I'm planning on having a salad for dinner today, which will probably consist of romaine lettuce, red bell peppers, caramelized onions, cheese, broccoli and a lemon vinaigrette.  Also making sure to drink lots of water by keeping a reusable bottle filled in my bedroom, either on my nightstand or my desk.

I'm still eating lots of yummy fruit and good whole grains, of course! Drinking milk, eating cheese and yogurt, just trying to keep everything in balance for once, along with portion control (another battle, but I'm getting there!).  I'm working my way to working out everyday for at least 30 minutes (might try to go up to 1 hour), and as soon as it stops raining I'll probably give morning runs a try. Definitely trying my hardest to make changes in my life!

I've also noticed some changes in my symptoms: my hair is becoming really, but REALLY curly and my appetite is changing again.  I'm looking at appetite loss, which to me is a good thing because then I can control when and what I eat. It's like my body is telling me to just feed it when it's necessary. I'm also doing really good with snacking (my BIGGEST weakness), and eating good things whenever I feel hungry like an apple or some whole grain cookies and a piece of dark chocolate.

I'm going to go grocery shopping soon, but it will be a small trip because I've still got nice and healthy fresh foods in my fridge. I'm looking at possibly buying some water-packed tuna and chicken because I need some protein in my life. But all in all I'm feeling really good about myself. Hoping and praying that this positive attitude and longing last a long time. Take that ovaries!

For Good

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I feel like I should. Hee hee so specific...

I am so thankful and indebted to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for all the wonderful things that have happened this year. I am also thankful for the hardships I've gone through because I know they'll make me strong. I'm still a work in progress, in this journey that is life, discovering that person God had designed from the very beginning for me to become.

I am so happy and delighted to say that I'm in Spain. It's still such a surreal feeling to think that I'm in Europe. Travelling to Europe is everyone's dream back home, something I didn't think was possible for me until after college and settling down. After three months it still feels like I'm watching someone else live my dream. I am forever grateful to God and to my family for allowing me to be here. Forever grateful.

Having said that, I still have a reasonable amount of guilt for having left my family. Don't get me wrong, I love being here and even though I get homesick I know that I can survive seven-six months more. I have so much travelling and learning left to do! But the primary reason why I think I should go back home is because I feel like my family needs me. My sister is graduating next June and she's already applied for colleges with my cyber help. If I was home I would have been on top of her college apps two months ago. But she did manage to turn them in on time, so all is good. I'm praying she gets into the college of her dreams, the college where God has reserved a special spot for her like He did for me. And then there's gonna be the FAFSA issue in February. We'll see how that goes, hee hee.

I feel like I should be home because I feel responsible for my parents. It's almost scary to feel that way, but it sure is a sign that you're starting to grow up. I've never considered myself a mature kid but I know that things are beginning to change. My parents mean the world to me, and I owe everything that I know about life to them (after God, of course). I hear sadness and tiredness whenever they talk to me. Like sometimes I wish I could be home to help around the house and such.

I do not regret the path I chose, because God guided me towards it. I know that I am meant to be where I am, and to continue living. But I'm still human and I still have a healthy, beating human heart that doubts and questions and wonders. In this case, my heart feels a pull for my family. I want to be the one with all of the answers and all of the solutions to what goes on back home. I know I'm still a child and that I still depend on my parents, but the tables are beginning to turn and they will be completely switched before I know it. I guess this is God's way of showing me what growing up is all about. What love and compassion is all about. When you truly are an adult, you begin to see the importance in others before yourself. You learn about responsibility when your heart reaches out for the care of others.

All I know is that my Lord has never foresaken me or my family and continues to do so. I remain in constant prayer for personal matters at heart, and hope and pray for the best. I have faith that God will respond and that all will be well, even if I cannot define what it is. I just know He has me in His arms, and I'm going to be just fine.

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter and purpose under heaven." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

You've got every right to a beautiful life ♥

So it's almost the end of the semester, I'm stressed, tired, and busy with school work and studying! But either way, God's pulling me through!

Talked with my Bible prof today, went pretty well, and it looks like I might ace his class! Yay! I have to go talk with my business law prof, because I totally bombed the last midterm :( But I am going to try harder!

So I've really embraced PCOS (kinda don't have another choice, it's the "thorn in my flesh", hee hee!), and I am definitely going to work on my health this summer when I'm less stressed (I definitely have more incentive for changing my lifestyle and diet now). And I've been thinking of doing videos (I was going to do Bible study ones, but I never seemed to have the time, I guess?) for PCOS support! Like tips on diet, exercise, products (natural and paraben free has become important).

I just hope I stick to these changes!